"I don't understand how this keeps happening to me!" says my friend. This has been yet another relationship involving a woman who has broken her wing. A bird that takes and takes and never gives. A bird whose broken wings never mend.

I have a lot of friends who have this syndrome. I had this syndrome. It is not one easily shrugged off because a lot of us are nurturing and generous people. Some of us aren't duped by puppy dog eyes or understand the game these people play sometimes. We have a deep need to fix people we fall in love with. Whether it's drug addiction or pure laziness, we think we are that person's savior. And for a minute, we are.

I was married once to someone who was an enabled creature. For years it was right there in front of my face, but I had not seen or acknowledged it, until it was too late. He wasn't a bad person, nor was he one that would take advantage because he himself did not know he was an enabled person, but point being, it was unnoticeable. That story is for another time, I want to get back to my friend.

My friend dates younger women...a lot of younger women. Nothing wrong with this. Most of these younger women are going through some sort of obstacle in their life, ie. can't keep a job, like to party too much, enjoys recreational drug use like it's their job, bad breakups with jealous boyfriends. This friend of mine is a really great guy, he's one of those guys who will literally give you the shirt off his back, buy you ten more, clean them for you and make sure you have somewhere to wear them. I've seen him get his heart broken several times by women who take advantage of his kindness and let's be honest, his monetary generosity. At one point he was involved with someone who just couldn't get their shit together, so he got her an apartment thinking it would be a haven for her. So while she was trying to "get herself together" in said apartment, she was also helping herself to her ex boyfriend and enjoying popping pills daily.

So, why continue this pattern?

Ah that is the question, isn't it? There's a few factors at play here. One, we try and fix others so they can love us better. Two, we try and patch their problems in hopes they will patch the holes in our hearts. Three, we continually want to save others because inadvertently, we are selfish. What ends up happening is we end up settling for this vicious cycle of take, take, take with very little giving because we feel we've done something good, good, good for these people.

Drug addicts are selfish people. There's not a lot you can do to fix a drug addict unless it requires you to sit at an intervention or go with them to therapy. Addicts are adept at playing on heartstrings, "I really want to get better, I just need you by my side because you are the only person who loves me...." It also comes with periods of really great times where you think everything is hunky-dory, but it is always suffered by deeper bad times and once they tire of your bedside manner, they're gone. There are a lot of wounded animals out there, one more cunning than another. YOU AREN'T GOING TO SAVE THEM. They aren't going to praise your name when things are said and done. I think sometimes this pattern becomes prevalent with men because it gives them power. They want to do the nice and heroic thing, but truthfully, they want to feel powerful, as though that person will look up to them, red cape flowing in the wind.

The observation I made about my friend was simple. I asked him if he was afraid of commitment. He looked at me like I was crazy. I said, "Don't you think it a little strange that you only choose wounded birds?" He was still confused. I had to point out to him that I thought he chose these particular damaged women because it was his own safety net of not having to commit to a relationship. When things didn't work out, which of course they did not, it would be easy for him to walk away with no regrets. He did what he could for them, right? They were messed up, right? These women always came back into his life. Sometimes in a better state and other times not so much, but they lingered around him constantly and that's when I observed that he fed off of that. Needless to say, he thought perhaps I was wrong. Nobody likes to admit they are human. Addiction is addiction. They were feeding off of his gifts of love and he was feeding off of them for heroism.

He's still dating younger women and he still has commitment issues, but I have noticed a change. These women aren't flailing about, looking for a temporary fix. He's developing real friendships that don't involve codependency, on either end. He'll still give you the shirt off his back, he's just being a bit more particular who's back he's giving it to.

My 2 Cents: It's easy for anyone to fall into this pattern. We have a tendency to want to help people. Be careful that it doesn't turn into a codependent relationship. Know that you are not going to save them from their demons, only they can do that for themselves and NEVER involve financial stability for them or they'll be hobbling around you constantly. Help by driving them to AA, help by attending group therapy sessions with them, help by cooking them a meal, and help by not being available to them all the time, help by encouraging confidence in them to go out and do something with their lives. Be honest with them, even if it stings a little. Also, if they are in their 30s or 40s and they need to snort Adderall so they can "focus" on their dates with you? Walk away. That wounded little bird you're hoping to mend will become the albatross around your neck.